the yellow volkswagen beetle

yay! hahaaaa! very nice eyes. very very nice nice nice. proud lookee!



gads. love that program. so many special effects. so many!

yay! it worked! best i can do. probably gonna keep it like this for a week. until i start thinking theyre really stupid and such

it took me so long cuz the words kept overlapping with the picture and you couldnt read it. so i had to resize it and paint it and erase and redo and crap

love love love adobe photoshop elements

wait. i was right. you cant use frames. this isnt a frame. its somthing else. yini explained. gonna go mess up html

arrrrgh. argh argh argh. stupid stupid blogger. cant figure out what any of the stupid stuff means, and you cant use frames cuz it gets messed up. thats why it didnt work. thats why i though my blog had been hacked. stupid stupid. cant use frames. cant cant cant. die die die. etc

wait. you can use frames. like what yinis doing. i guess i just messed the html up really badly. dammit. ive been to six html guide websites. 6!!!!! and i still cant figure out how those fish (fish. cuz they represent jesus. true) fucking frames work

clowns is a nice song. with the angelic voice and then the "in your face" one. contrasting. nice. have listened to all the things she said way too many times. favorite is not gonna get us now

...

wait. how is that interesting? its not. point being: im a brain dead child who relies on caffiene for epiphanies that really arent that great

hang on. michael jackson still has fans? i guess so. dear mum being one of them. she was watching his show when i went downstairs. there were tons of people in the stands. tons. scary

went to neha's today. to practice. i suck. really really. i cant act. i think so. aditi says im not that bad though

walked. walked and walked and walked today. i want to do that all day. just have this case of soft drinks and wander around under the shade of giant green trees and the cool wind blowing in your face and the sun shining and warming you up because its rather chilly out and humming a song and feeling like youre on valium. i wish. i wish wish wish. want that to happen. maybe during the summer. no. texas too hot. stupid. i could do that in canada. texas dumb. stupid stupid stupid

html. damn. work! work, you pedophilic porned-up piece of junk. work work work


wibble

will change format later. working on it. this is better than what i had. so. argh

shit. shit shit shit. not working

oh crap. have just completely messed up my blog format. help help help

whoa whoa whoa. epiphany. sitting in my room listening to tatu and reading the bible. and and and

people say that god must have created everything, right? they say its impossible for us to have been thrown together by chance because of some huge explosion, right? they say that the chances of us happening by chance is one to a quadrillion trillion billion million thousand. something like that. well. you know how big the universe is? big big. theres saturn and uranus and the other galaxies, like andromeda. and all the stars in the andromeda galaxy. and all the planets. all the planets in the milky way. all the millions of galaxies. all the googleplexes of planets. people say there are aliens. aliens. if there were, why havent they contacted us? because there arent any. because we're that one in a quadrillion trillion billion million thousand. there must be over a trillion planets. more than that. more than the largest number a human mind can comprehend. maybe we're that one in a quadrillion? it makes sense. there are tons of galaxies, tons of barren planets. ours is the only known one with life. we're the one in quadrillion. ha! haha!

another thing. watch:





















see a pattern here? yeah. spirals. circles. rings. whatever. in everything. EVERTHING. spirals and rings and such. with a center. nucleus. whatever

whoaaaa. absolutely no sleep last night. cant really remember what happened. i remember reading and crying over something stupid and looking at the ceiling and thinking how the way the light from the lightbulb made all these pretty patterns. head woozy. went downstairs at 6 and got some more dnl, cuz i was thirsty. like. 3 cans. have been drinking coffee all day today to stop from falling asleep. and to help my concentration. readers theater rehearsal again today. cant memorize that stupid thing. cant cant cant. fun. everyone left at around 2:30, only neha stayed behind to work on the duet. woozy. got thirsty from all the talking and drank more dnl. had to use the restroom many times. caffiene high and feeling utterly exhausted and neha all hyper and laughing at the most inane things. like. oh god. the most perverted things in the world. need. more. coffee

probably wont sleep tonight either, because of the large amounts of caffiene ive had to stay awake. ill just sleep during the day. or take one of those sleeping pills. yeah okay

woozy. woooooozy. wooo-ooooozeee-eeeeee

dammit. have to go play piano now

oi? what outfits? the schoolgirly things? eh. see? processed pop packages

woo! dnl very fun! its what. 4 in the morning? if i get caught, ill be in serious shit

on with fannish ramblings. because i cant sleep and i really will be screwed tomorrow. probably best to not sleep at all. getting no sleep is better than an hour. cuz if you dont sleep at all, all you feel is tired and your brain isnt stuck in sleep mode. if you sleep for an hour, your head gets stuck wanting more. so you feel tired and you have a headache. which is worse

hurrah! have gotten nicole on tatu. actually. i didnt really pressure her that much

songs are nice. the clown song is nice. i think they mean clowns as in the rest of society. and the floating thing. floatingfloatingfloatingfloating. and bearing the cross. like the one jesus had to carry while climbing up the hill. ahg. i bet theyre catholic or something. russian, right? arent russians catholic? no wait. thats spain

i like malchik gay and theyre not gonna get us and show me love. probably my favorites, besides all the things she said, of course. finally figured out what malchik means. it means boy. so the whole time theyre singing about falling in love with a gay boy. thats nice. nice how the only straight song is about a gay guy. ironic. although. it was better when i thought she was singing about a gel. and all the malchik gays get rather repetitive after awhile

theyre not gonna get us starts out dumb. it ends stupid too. but the middle bit is nice. i like the contrasting voices. like the angelic one and then the harsh one. lalalalala. they lyrics are really quite nice as well. and the melody. only the drums annoy me. reminds me of the powerpuff girls. really. i love that song. they chorus is nice. nice nice nice! *random yelling and jumping about* and. i wish i knew russian

fun fun! isnt it? ranting and trying to type quietly and knowing that im falling into the trap the media has set up and not caring because its cool how theyre lesbian and rebelling (sort of) against what everyone else says and i like their songs! woo! caffiene! hurrah! yay yay! shivering though. too cold at night. actually. its not really that. i dont mind the cold. i mind the shivering. i hate shivering. the cold is fine. only i shiver really violently. i think its because i lived in canada and had 4 recesses and snow got in my boots and it was awfully cold. so now i shiver violently. hate it

all the things she said is nice. the only thing that annoys me is how if you listen carefully, it sounds like theyre said saying "all the things she'll said". and the schoolish bit of me gets really annoyed at how its grammatically incorrect. but you cant blame them. one of them doesnt know english

and the one that starts out with the telephone bit. show me love. the title is stupid. and the song is rather stupid. but i like it even though they keep saying show me love over and over again because the melody is nice and you can sort of feel their despair and anger. and the lyrics. haha. i think theyre my favorite ones: "like a game of pick up sticks/played by fucking lunatics". nice nice nice song. all their songs are nice

30 minutes is odd. i dont like that one as much. its still good. but not as good. its got an awesome melody. i think its a piano in the background. pretty sure thats a piano. and the tinkly laughter. i couldnt understand what they were saying at first. had to look up the lyrics, and then everything made sense. it was this moment of darkness and the light came on and it made sense

how soon is now. that songs bug me. they lyrics are wonderful. but you cant understand what theyre saying until you look it up. ahg. annoying, you know? have also found out that russian accents sound very much like chinese ones. and. i like this one bit: "and you go home/and you cry/and you want to die". lalalala! and then it goes back to that rock-jammin' guitar bit. that rock-jammin' guitar can be very annoying

stars. dammit. im sure id really like that song if i knew russian. its nice. this mellow sad bit, and then they start rapping in russian. and it sounds pretty. really musical language. like chinese. and. i. cant. understand. it

you know what really sucks? the fact that all the russian versions sound better than the english ones. the russian music video of all the things she said is way better as well

i reread crosses. thats a good book. made me cry at the end. twice. the first time i read it and the second. although. gah. *cries of exasperation of how we live in a male dominated society*. its annoying. chivalry deserves to be ripped apart and tortured and burned. no. buried. fire is beautiful. actually. being buried is beautiful as well. chivalry needs to be chained to a wall, in an itty bitty cubicle

why? because. just because im a girl doesnt mean that i need any fucking special treatment. i dont want special treatment. i wanna be an equal. i can open doors myself, thank you very much. why is the it the guy who proposes marriage? like its the guys' decision, not the gals'. how come girls pretty themselves up, trying to look good, yet all the guys ever do is sit back and smoke shit and act "manly"? why is it the gels that chase the guys, trying to get them to commit to marriage, and the guys really dont want it? fuck. want to go strangle cheri. cant do that because shes a character from a book. chivalry is evil. kill it

i hate it. all men are bastards. im serious. all the guys at rice ever do is sit around, talking about sex or cars or computer games. do they really care? no. of course not. as long as youre good in bed. and then they go off and fuck someone else. have you noticed that? how many heartbroken guys have you met as opposed to heartbroken gels? really

ehhh. caffiene is a weird thing that makes you think weird things. especially when youre coming down. woo. boom. crash. bang

i hate my brothers. kevin, to be exact. actually, both of them. what the fuck are they trying to do? wait. i know. get me in trouble. yeah but. did he really have to start ranting about how i always lie and how i ride my bike to eckerd and how he thinks im a lesbo (gads. there are lots of people who are into slash. not all of them are homosexuals. get that into that pink bit of shit in your skull. besides. even if i was, its really none of your business, you fuck) and how i download "profane" songs (what? like the distillers? do you want dear mum screaming at me or what?) and how i read books about druggies and every other thing against me hes accumulated over 9 years. like how i "stole" a packet of m&ms from him and how i change clothes at school sometimes and how i use mr. piddles to cover up that nasty sparkly blue "princess" and how i swear and hate god and think that blood is pretty and how i have a tattoo pen and i write expletives on my arms and how i write drugged up poems (wait. how does he know? the bastard. hes been breaking into my room again). he wants to see me in shit, doesnt he?

good thing: derek started crying and the parents missed kevin's rant. i must be really. really lucky. hate brothers. ha. ill just threaten to tell all his friends how he peed on the bus in 1st grade. or i can threaten to make something up and everyonell believe me. really. little kids are very gullible. they tend to believe the bad stuff instead of the good stuff

mmff. off to go get another can of dnl. and poison my mind

i find this really stupid. ive lived in canada for 9 years and never once have i gone skiing

ergh. am beginning to suspect that they arent really lesbian. merely a processed pop package (alliteration!). makes me sad. their songs are nice though. make very good slash music. you know. music to listen to while reading slash. so blah. i like processed pop crap. or maybe they are. dunno. not my beeeeezwax. its their wax. nice to think they are though

got some dnl today. more like dnol. theres this red spot. and it doesnt taste fruity. its supposed to taste fruity. it tastes exactly like sprite. nice thing about the caffeine. probably wont be able to sleep tonight as well

oi. fellow slashers. got any nice stories? i cant find any. i looked and looked and looked. everything was crap. like. sam whispering to frodo and stuff. typical stories with no meaning and all there is is smut. smut. i mean. a good story doesnt need it to make it good. little hobbits rolling around in the green grass isnt supposed to be what makes the story. little hobbits are supposed to add to it. not be it

nazis. they were still human. human. okay? they werent monsters. they werent evil corrupted demons. they were human. ok? they still deserve some sympathy. they believed in what they were doing. they thought jews were rats. you wouldnt mind squashing a cockroach, right? watching it squirm and wriggle and frantically try to escape. dont tell me youve never done that. every toddler has. thats what the nazis were doing. they were squashing cockroaches. they werent doing the right thing. they thought they were. dont blame the nazis. blame hitler. actually. dont even blame him. he thought he doing the right thing as well. its no one's fault. they though they were doing the right thing, squashing cockroaches, but they werent, and its not their fault they were delusioned. ok?

edited: there better? i pushed enter. its just that i dont know where to put paragraph breaks. i type one thing and it reminds me of another, so theres no possible to have paragraph breaks

dammit. i hate living in the us. wanna wanna wanna move back to canada. or iceland. or greenland. or finland. or newfoundland. or china. no. not china. china is stupid. was cool. is now stupid. its americanizing. china is becoming more and more western. used to be nice. is now stupid. i shall miss those fish laden streets and the dirty buildings

dont you hate living in america? its awful. someone asks you where you live, and you say "u.s". they automatically assume that youre one of those snobby snobs who live in a giant house and have everything in the world. and guess what? all that is true

i want to go live in one of those itty bitty countries that made up the soviet union. the countries that fight all the time and people run through the streets barefoot and become freedom fighters/terrorists and hate the u.s for sticking her damn nose in everyone's business and being the most powerful country in the world and they wave flags and act patriotic and shit and all the kids can run around where they want because - guess what? - no crimes ever happen there and you sure as hell arent gonna get raped and you can go swimming in the lake behind your house and laugh and hang out with your friends without a care in the world and not getting dizzy on all the fucking pollution because there arent any hulking SUVs spewing crass in the air and you can climb trees all day because the trees havent been cut down yet and your whole country lives in a state of ignorant bliss while americanizing happens to others and the grass is green and the buildings are dirty and musty and old and safe smelling and you know your town inside and out and you can go wreak havoc and patter down the streets, turn, run into that little hole and not get caught and. and and and. you can complain about injustice because there is some.

you cant complain about sexism in the u.s, because people try to change it. you cant complain about democracy not working, because then youd be a terrorist and theyd kick you out and make you move back to canada (which is a good thing) and you can scream and yell and enjoy being a kid while it lasts and not be stuck in the house typing on the fucking computer because its the only way you can interact with other people and you feel like a lazy lazy lazy fat shithead who has a family and food and clothes and a place to live and you still arent satisfied while kids in africa are starving, but theyre lucky, because they can be kids and not fucking robots whose lives consist of going to school and getting good grades. fucking cows

yet people still wonder why all those perfect kiddies are doing drugs and screwing around and making themselves bleed and wearing black and hating everything. because theres nothing better to do. because our lives are peachy perfect and we have all these restrictions imposed by asshole parents who dont understand and wont let you be and you dont want to be their daughter anymore because you hate lying to them and them thinking your a perfect girlie and youre not and all you want to do is run around barefoot in the streets, screaming and laughing and crying and climb nonexistant trees that have been cut down and play with your cat and pounce and scratch and bite and bleed. and bleed. and we cant run or scream or laugh like madmen and skip and jump about because all that isnt what proper girls do and you want to so much much but its not proper and then you burst and youre so fucking angry

yes, and parents get angry at your outburst but you cant fucking take anymore being perfect and not running and screaming and you feel like doing something terrible awful, but you dont have the guts and you feel like pounding yourself for that, because all you are is some stupid wimp who cant take any pain and wont stick up for anything. and its true

we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does it matter
it is better to be happy

for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is to be a part of beauty

~ the lesson of the moth, don marquis

holy fish. i love that poem. the roll bit brings up a vision of someone rolling a joint

ehhh. i think all those books are getting to me. im filling my mind with poison and its fun. we should all read books about druggies told in first person

neeeeed. mooooore. booooooks. stupid. i finished both of them last night. sleep? not for me! especially since dear parents dont let me sleep any later than 10

cherokee bat and the goat guys wasnt as good rose and the beast. still good though. got annoyed at how it was always cherokee and witch baby who worried about angel juan and raphael. like all the gels ever did was be in love and try to make the guys happier. and then stealing. stupid. im not gonna get married, see? i dont want to end up as a slave to my husband. like everyone else in the world. really truly. look closely at every family and youll see the father is the head. sad. even in mine. very sad. lets all turn lesbian! thatll teach them!

joy joy! managed to download all the songs by tatu (i think) and burn a cd

not good -- dear mum listening to my cd. its a jolly good thing thing theyre russian and are hard to understand. otherwise there would have been a hysterical mother sobbing about how her little girlie is a lesbo. have to be careful about putting my cds away from now on. really. its like that time dear mum started freaking out about me turning into a druggie when she listened my disturbed cd. parents can be assholes. yet they still wonder why so many of their kids are on drugs

went to fossil rim today. its this place where you sit in your car and you drive around, petting all the deer and zebras and water buffalo. was semi - fun. only it took 2 hours to get there. no kidding. brought along my cd player. thank satan for that. (satan, see, because hes for lesbianism) i think ive got all the songs memorized. pathetic. pathetic and loving it. listened to it on the way back as well. and then we went to toys r us. derek got a power ranger action figure. kevin got some yu-gi-oh cards. dear mum got me some summer clothes. ehg. i mean. theyre nice. pretty. and the (non)sleeves are very nice. but. its not me

got 2 books from the library. only got one block book, because somebody took them all

fun stuff -- being locked up in your room reading cherokee bat and the goat guys while listening to tatu. makes you weepy

yesterdaydom:

yini and neha and divya and mouna and mouna's sister came over to work on the reader's theater. divya's cat-phobic. i have a cat. put esk in the laundry room and everything was fine and dandy. too bad yini had to leave early. afterwards: spent about an hour waiting for anusha to send the damn script and figuring out it was a powerpoint file and it was corrupt and having her send it again and realizing i dont have powerpoint. wasted more time sitting and eating mini doughnuts in the kitchen while deciding how to get the script. fun fun. especially since we couldnt stop laughing. i mean. neha'd same something witty. and we'd laugh. and then someone would come in and stare at us and ask why we were laughing. that was suddenly the funniest thing. laughed more. stopped. asked if anyone wanted a doughnut. that was suddenly infinitely funny. laughed. me asking "why are we laughing?" and unable to stop. faces stuffed with doughnuts and unable to stop. trying not to spew doughnuts on the floor. not succeeding. fun. ha. that and mouna not being able to say "i have a date with a woooooonderful guy i met the other day while i was hanging my hair out the window to dry". see? even ive got it memorized. thats how many times she tried

nothing wrong with that? it messes with evolution and weird gene things. and it's how you get inbreeding.
~ a girlie

you silly gel. i said nothing about having children. only hugging and kissing. which would eventually lead to babies. not if theyre gay! besides. what are condoms for?

nazis. hey. someone has to see the story through their eyes. im it. come back later for more nazi ranting. too too too tired. spent the whole day petting zebras. zebras are scary

dammit. need someone to obsess with. more fun that way, see?

whoa. those gels must be really. really brave

so. couldnt sleep last night. lying in bed and not falling asleep. maybe those cups of coffee had something to do with that? maybe. went and watched the telly with the volume down low. flipping through channels. came across the jesus channel. watched it for awhile. got angry at what they were saying. decided to turn computer on and look up more bible quotes that i can sully. found this one interesting site where this kid rants on and on about god. and how they shouldnt show t.a.t.u's music video. that sounded familiar. so. me being curious and thinking: "if they dont like it, it must be good" looked up t.a.t.u. and came across those singers. they were in a time article. thats where i remember them from. annnnnnnnd. theyre lesbian. me being very curious and wondering about their music video. really. you should all go watch it. 's called all the things she said. and. its slashful. like visual femslash. sad femslash. very angsty. go go go watch

look! a link!
the one with the weird name is still all the things she said. only its not in english. no idea what language its in. although. nice tune. and. it must have been really hard coming up wih new lyrics in english that still went along with the video. lyrics nice. nice nice lyrics. dark dark slashful

yay. feel very accomplished. went and rode to kroger and bought a bag of chips yesterday. legs felt like jelly afterward. hahaaaa! even after dear dad specifically told me not to go out. no matter. i dont want to stay locked up in the house all day. penned up in a stable

ahhhh. nonono! have rubber bands now. they hurt. they make my jaw ache

what i hate. stereotypes. gee. im chinese. im in pace. i must have absolutely no life at all. of course

feel slashy. wish i could draw. really draw. not just lines and curves and dots. but. a real picture. if i could draw, id draw a gel tearing apart. with grayness of society pressing in on her. wish i could write as well

wishing does no good. i hate those fairytales. there was this one thing in 4th grade. i read a story about dragons and such. i spent a week trying to make dragons appear. and the other story about wishing really hard and having something appear. spent a week on that too. its all lies. and then i got so diassapointed when i found out they were lies. they shouldnt be allowed to do that to you. especially not to little kids. little kids can get really sad. hear that god? no use praying. and wishing. and thinking that miracles will happen. theres no such thing as miracles. or happiness. happiness is the root of all evil. its the motivation to do evil things. happiness is evil

whoaaaa. scary thought. but true

and. mweehee. isnt this fun? the ranting. guess what? we're all sadists. really truly. and dont tell me youve never teased anyone in your life. i dont believe that. like. joke teasing. your friend walks down the hall with all these books in her arms. you laugh and comment on how unorganised she is. then you possibly make some witty comment in a friendly friend-way. why tease in the first place? we, as humans, feed off of people's humiliation. its true. sadists. all of us. why else do you think there's racism? prejudice? we take somthing and we look for its weaknesses. then we attack. and. im sorry. but those feminine gay guys really do bother me. yeah. i know. im being a hyppocrite. you know what? i dont care. youll never be able to get rid of prejudice. mankind will always be evil. at least im not going around attacking them. i just avoid them

which is why people should forgive nazis. yeah i know. they killed 6 million people. they were evil and cruel and enjoyed what they were doing. arent we all? its imprinted in us. you cant erase it. why cant people accept lesbians? i dunno. why couldnt the nazis accept jews? why do people attack homosexuals? you know. wreck their cars and such. i dunno. why did the nazis kill the jews? dunno. and. yeah. i know. we dont kill people. but. its the same thing. most people dont hate lesbians. the people who actually go out of their way to attck them make up a small minority. wasnt that the same with the nazis? only a minority hated the jews. the rest stayed quiet and did nothing. only a few people hate gays. the rest of them stay quiet. arent the similarities so weird? no. not really

the world is manky. its always been. it always will be. manky manky world. after homosexuals are accepted, people will target incest. whats wrong with it, if both of them really love each other? you have a brother and a sister. or sisters. or brothers. theyre twins. theyve always been with each other. they grew up together. they really love each other. i see nothing wrong with that. yeah. i can see why other people would be rather ehg about it. but i think their reasons are stupid

gads. i want their cd. gooooooo them! brave brave people. off to go delve into the realms of fandom

woo! go me! have just ridden my skateboard all the way to the park without getting too many bruises. now i need to figure out how to keep my balance. its hard. its like a scooter but you cant use your hands. you have to steer with your feet and push with your feet and stand on your feet. and i keep falling. and i have to keep looking at my feet, otherwise i loose my balance. which means i cant look up and aviod cars. not moving cars. still cars. cars that arent moving. that are parked. by the sidewalk

still cant ollie. not fair not fair not fair

yesyes. and. a very happy birthday to yini. oi-yoyoy! sorry about you having to spend your birthday with your grandfather. that must suck. i wouldnt want my grandparents at my birthday. theyd get too sentimental. ehhh. and then theyd start spewing junk about me growing up and turning into a young lady. and how proud they are. not fun not fun not fun

there. i stretched. guilty feeling gone now

you know what? ive figured out how to get to people's houses. really. i can just ride my bike. mapquest.com is a wonderful wonderful place. so far, ive figured out how to get to yini's, loren's elyse's, grace's, and christine's house. hurrah. now i can go stalk people

annnnd. i know how to get to kroger. and those stores near it. although it took me a really long time

ehhh. you know wot? dear mum made me wear that icky top and did my hair so i looked like one of those girlies whose heads are full of fluff. my head is not full of fluff. oh well. its okay. i mean. she didnt take any pictures. and it wasnt that uncomfortable. just. not me. i dont like being not me. it makes me someone else. everyone else is a scag. im not a scag. and then we flew kites. was okay. although there was no wind. have rope burns now. and then we played basketball. and dear dad has no idea how to play. dearie me. am beginning to suspect that my father was one of those nancy boys who were overweight. and all the teachers loved him. my my my. he cant play basketball. he stands there and waits for the ball. cow. hes a cow. my father the cow

i want roller coaster tycoon. want it want it want it. its fun. played this demo of it that lasted only one hour. and i was doing so well. i only owed the people 3000 dollars. i think thats really good

bike rides are more fun than just walking. because. you go faster and it takes less time to go places and you can feel the wind in your hair. and you can go really really fast and almost crash but not. and thats always fun

nicole is obsessed. the geek with the green eyes was okay. he was nice. and reminded me of children who get abused by their parents. which made me feel sorry for him. which made him nicer. but really. the other geek. the one with the round face. hes just ehg. dont like him. he looks around 10 ish. he reminds me of perverted tits who go around looking at them on the computer. haha. there was a pun in that. you probably wont get it unless you spend one semester of health sitting in front of navin. there is something wrong with that lad. no one can be that suggestive without trying. hes like greebo. in man form

want to go on a bike ride! want want want. want to lock myself in my room with various bags of chips and nice hot cup of coffee and many many many books. or slash. sad slash with death and people getting heartbroken and haldir realizing something and frodo being so oblivious and eowyn sitting in a dark room supressing dark desires